Dream K-Big

I have a dream. In my dream, Kathryn Bigelow directs Meryl Streep in her next movie. The film follows Kathryn’s signature style – muscular drama with tough characters. Meryl will be the toughest and most muscular of them all – though not in the “I want to pump you up!” sense, of course. Things may or may not blow up, but that’s not the point. The story will be strong and visceral, it will be expertly told and intense. You will leave the theater feeling like you’ve seen something real, turned our complex humanity over a couple times in your hand and maybe even shaken it a bit in an attempt to understand ourselves just a little bit better. No one will call it a chick movie. No one will call it a dude movie. It will just be a great movie. Kathryn will be nominated again. Meryl will win her third Oscar (everyone thinks she has a million, but she only has the two – out of 16 nominations). And the telecast will end precisely on time because host Tina Fey runs a tight fucking ship. Hey, if you’re going to dream, dream K-Big.

Also, just as an example, it will be nothing even remotely like this movie. Except maybe for the kiss, you’ll know which one.

SG*ALGG: Oscar Edition

Hey, lots of pretty ladies in lots of pretty dresses hugged each other last night! Oh, and they also handed out some awards. And some really pretty ladies in really pretty dresses won them! Really, the theme for the night was, “Go pretty ladies in pretty dresses!” Or, slightly less reductive, “Hooray for women in entertainment who have reached the pinnacle of their professional careers all the while breaking down barriers and making history.” In pretty dresses. And with that, it’s time for the very special Oscar edition of Straight Gals* Acting Like Gay Gals. (*With the exception of Jodie, of course. Also, jury’s still out on K-Stew. Edit: And, I know, they played mom and daughter. All of this is clearly make believe.)

Tina Fey & Elizabeth BanksElizabeth looks a little like she pulled down the left strap to Tina’s dress. I like how she thinks.

Oprah & Gabourey SidibeIf Oprah’s hand was one inch closer, Gayle would be sooo jealous.

Jennifer Lopez & Demi MooreMostly Demi is just a Straight Gal Acting Like a Drunk Gal. But that’s how many a SGALGG moment starts off. Remember college?

Meryl Streep & Amy AdamsMeryl just asking a very pregnant Amy, “It’s not mine, is it?”

Meryl Streep & Sandra BullockSandy thanked, “my lover, Meryl” and called her “SUCH a good kisser.” So kiss her, you fool.

Sandra Bullock & Helen MirrenLook, Meryl, if you don’t kiss Sandy soon Helen will. You snooze, you lose.

Anna Kendrick & Sigourney WeaverSigourney has just told Anna how they would earn their Mile High Club membership if they were both “Up in the Air.”

Miley Cyrus & Amanda SeyfriedAmanda is letting Miley down easy here. A gal’s got to have standards, you know.

Rosario Dawson & Angie HarmonHow much do you want to jump in between that soon-to-be sandwich?

Barbra Streisand & Kathryn BigelowBarbra to Kathryn: “Darling, you’re like buttah.”

Hilary Swank & Rashida JonesNothing SGALGG-y here, just thought the GGs reading might enjoy the fact that both these ladies mistakenly thought they were going to the Golden Globes. Ahem.

Kristen Stewart & Jodie FosterLover’s quarrel.

For a more comprehensive (rather than “oooh, pretty!”) look at the Oscars, check out my post at AfterEllen today.

My Weekend Crush

In the 82-year history of the Academy Award only four – yes, four – women have been nominated for best director. None – yes, none – have ever won. This is a shameful legacy for an institution that at its core should exalt excellence at its most unadulterated, unbiased form. Artistry knows no gender. But this, of course, is not what has happened. Over the years the awards have been subject to politics and popularity. The winners have been a seemingly endless parade of white men. In 2005, Ang Lee became the first, and so far only, minority to take home the prestigious honor. (That, as if we need reminding, was the year “Crash” stole the award from “Brokeback Mountain.” Boo! Hiss!) This year Lee Daniels becomes only the second black filmmaker to be nominated for best director. Clearly, Oscar has a long way to go.

But this year, in a race with two historic nominees, it’s the woman who just might finally break into the exclusive boys clubs. Make no mistake, “Precious” is a wonderful film filled with rich portrayals and strong stories. But when it comes to sheer visceral energy and grand passionate filmmaking, no movie matched “The Hurt Locker” this year. Kathryn Bigelow is, quite simply, a great director. Not a great female director, though she is one. But just an amazing auteur. Throughout her career she has made intense, heart-pounding fare that defies expectations. Women make movies about falling in love, the conventional wisdom goes. Well, sure, some do. Others make movies about sky-diving, Presidential mask-wearing surfers who rob banks on the side. Look, there’s nothing wrong with making movies about love, but that’s clearly not all we can do.

So this year, when they open the envelope and say “And the Oscar goes to…” let them finally right 82 years of folly by saying “Kathryn Bigelow.” Show the boys how it’s done, Kathryn. Happy weekend, all.

Tank Top Tuesday: Oscar Edition

Say hello to the only time of the year that a tiny bald man gets me hot and bothered. Yes, it’s Oscar time. This morning the nominations were released and many deserving films (and a few undeserving ones) were honored as the year’s best. An unprecedented 10 movies are up for Best Picture. Though, we all know it’s a horse race between the giant blue Smurfs of “Avatar” and the explosive soldiers of “The Hurt Locker.” But enough about that, how about those ladies? All of the actresses have proven their talent through their marvelous performance this year. And, just as important, they all look fantastic in a tank top (or darn close to tank tops). What? Just because the Academy Awards are prestigious doesn’t mean I can’t be shallow. Happy Tuesday, you magnificent Oscar nominees, you.

BEST ACTRESS

Sandra Bullock, “The Blind Side”Helen Mirren, “The Last Station”Carey Muligan, “An Education”

Gaborey Sibide, “Precious”Meryl Streep, “Julie & Julia”


BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Penelope Cruz, “Nine”Vera Farmiga , “Up in the Air”

Maggie Gyllenhaal, “Crazy Heart”Anna Kendrick, “Up in the Air”Mo’Nique, “Precious”And, lest we forget, Best DirectorKathryn Bigelow, “The Hurt Locker”

Kick those boys’ asses, Kathryn.