Let’s not pretend the best actress Oscar race is anything but an all-out, steel-cage deathmatch between Natalie Portman and Annette Bening. All the nominees are great, but come on, those two are the battle royal. Actually, it’s nice to have a tight race instead of a presumptive frontrunner blow-out. And these two actresses really acted their asses off last year. But, in the interest of recognizing all of the lovely ladies who were nominated today, please enjoy this very special Top Thespian Tank Top Tuesday. Being nominated for an Academy Award is rewarding and all, but looking great in a tank top is its own reward.BEST ACTRESS
Natalie Portman, “Black Swan”
I bet Natalie Portman never, ever thought she’d be able to say, “In the last year I shagged both Jackie and Kelso from ‘That 70s Show.’”
Annette Bening, “The Kids Are All Right”
Still courting the gay vote with her lesbian hair and chunky glasses, I see.
Nicole Kidman, “Rabbit Hole”
Now that she is no longer using Botox, three cheers for the imminent return of emotions to Nicole’s forehead.
Michelle Williams, “Blue Valentine”
Take that, Katie Holmes.
Jennifer Lawrence, “Winter’s Bone”
The best thing Bill Engvall has ever contributed to society.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Hailee Steinfeld, “True Grit”
This isn’t a tank top, but Hailee is 14 so I’m not going to go there.
Helena Bonham Carter, “The King’s Speech”
Every time I abbreviate HBC, I “accidentally” slip in an “I” before the “C.” It’s really more appropriate that way, don’t you think?
Jacki Weaver, “Animal Kingdom”
Her nickname in the film was “Smurf,” that’s so awesome I won’t even quibble that she refused to take her overshirt off.
Melissa Leo, “The Fighter”
Remember when she played Helena’s ex on “The L Word?” Remember when Helena had children?
Amy Adams, “The Fighter”
Even if you weren’t adorably and winsome, Amy, we’d still love you forever for that lesbian scene in “Standing Still.”
Natalie Portman, “Black Swan”
I bet Natalie Portman never, ever thought she’d be able to say, “In the last year I shagged both Jackie and Kelso from ‘That 70s Show.’”Annette Bening, “The Kids Are All Right”
Still courting the gay vote with her lesbian hair and chunky glasses, I see.Nicole Kidman, “Rabbit Hole”
Now that she is no longer using Botox, three cheers for the imminent return of emotions to Nicole’s forehead.Michelle Williams, “Blue Valentine”
Take that, Katie Holmes.Jennifer Lawrence, “Winter’s Bone”
The best thing Bill Engvall has ever contributed to society.BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Hailee Steinfeld, “True Grit”
This isn’t a tank top, but Hailee is 14 so I’m not going to go there.Helena Bonham Carter, “The King’s Speech”
Every time I abbreviate HBC, I “accidentally” slip in an “I” before the “C.” It’s really more appropriate that way, don’t you think?Jacki Weaver, “Animal Kingdom”
Her nickname in the film was “Smurf,” that’s so awesome I won’t even quibble that she refused to take her overshirt off.Melissa Leo, “The Fighter”
Remember when she played Helena’s ex on “The L Word?” Remember when Helena had children?Amy Adams, “The Fighter”
Even if you weren’t adorably and winsome, Amy, we’d still love you forever for that lesbian scene in “Standing Still.”
