The waiting is the hardest part

Hey, TV. Yeah, you, you big Idiot Box. Look, that I love you is unquestioned. I watch you constantly. We spend more time together than I do with most of my family members. And, let’s face it, you know all of my guilty pleasures. In short, we’re close. So I feel comfortable telling you, in no uncertain terms, that you suck. Yes, suck. S-U-C-K, suck.

Look, it’s not your programming (although a lot of that does suck – come on, “Gary Unmarried,” really?). But it’s your scheduling. As in, dude, why are you making me wait so long for my shows to come back-scheduling? Three of my favorite new series this season are settling in for long winter’s naps. Like Rip Van Winkle-long naps. Think I’m kidding?

Vampire Diaries*
Last 2009 episode: Nov. 19
First 2010 episode: Jan. 21
(*Don’t judge: It’s actually really fun.)

V
Last 2009 episode: Nov. 24
First 2010 episode: March


Glee
Last 2009 episode: Dec. 9
First 2010 episode: April 13

WHAT THE HELL? That’s more than FOUR WHOLE MONTHS for “Glee.” And the shortest wait is still two months. These are unacceptably long mid-season breaks. I mean, I understand when networks decide to delay the start of a season. “Lost” and “24” fans can surely commiserate. But putting a crazy long vacation in the middle of your first season is just, well, dumb. It does two stupid things: 1) Kills critical momentum and 2) Pisses off fans.

Fans like me. Now, I’ll probably wait patiently for all these shows to return (though I’m still not 100 percent on “V” – on one hand the plotting isn’t giving me enough, on the other there’s Elizabeth Mitchell). But it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it. In fact, I’m exactly the opposite. Anyone who makes me wait four months to see Jane Lynch again is a total loser. L-l-l-l-oser!

So, expect the cold shoulder this winter, TV. Can I ignore you completely? Clearly, no. You’re sitting right there like a big bully in the middle of my living room. But I won’t be watching you as much or as intently. Who knows, maybe I’ll even rekindle my love affair with books. Plus, books never make you wait for no good reason before you can turn the page. Take that, television.