You know you've been in Sweden too long when:
- A stranger on the street smiles at you, and you assume (a) he's drunk, (b) he's insane, (c) he's an American, or (d) all of the above.
- You can pick out the real blondes from the fake blondes.
- Your coffee consumption exceeds six cups per day and the coffee is too weak if there are less than ten scoops per pot.
- The first thing you do when entering a bank, post office, drugstore, etc. is to look for the queue number machine, and you accept you'll have to stand in line in order to take a queue number.
- The reason you take a ferry to Finland is (a) duty-free vodka, (b) duty-free beer, or (c) to party hearty; no need to get off the ferry in Helsinki, just turn around and keep partying all the way back to Sweden.
- You hear people speaking loudly on the train. You immediately assume (a) they are drunk, (b) they are Americans, or (c) all of the above.
- You know how to fix herring 105 different ways.
- Your front step is beginning to resemble a shoe store.
- You only have two facial expressions, smiling or blank.
- You don't find it strange when a couple has been engaged for six years and have no plans to get married.
- You assume that anyone who apologizes after bumping into you is a tourist.
- You get into a Mercedes taxi cab and think nothing of it.
- You think it's normal that EVERYTHING is regulated and you obey the rules voluntarily.
- Pigs say "nerf, nerf," frogs say, "kvack, kvack," and roosters say, "kuckileku."
- You can use the words bra, fart, and slut in a sentence without giggling.
- You refer to weeks by their number.
- You are no longer surprised when you see topless women, full-frontal male nudity, or hear the word "f*ck" on prime-time television.
- You think an hour-and-a-half cycle on your machine is a "quick wash."
- A sharp intake of breath has become part of your vocabulary, as has the word, "Ja haaaa."
- You use "mmmmm" as a conversation filler.
- You eat your pancakes and waffles with jam instead of syrup.
- Silence is fun.
- Your native language has deteriorated to the point where you begin to "eat medicine," "open the television," "close the lights off," "take a beer," "look upon TV" and tell someone to "follow with me."
- You associate pea soup with Thursday.
- Your idea of nightlife has been reduced to a few teenagers hanging out in front of the railway station on a Friday night.
- The fact that all the V's and W's are together in the phone book seems okay.
- You no longer have to search for the flushing mechanism.
- When you're hungry you can peel a boiled potato like lightning.
- You accept that 80 degrees C in a sauna is chilly, but 20 degrees C outside is freaking hot.
- You think that riding a bicycle in the snow is a perfectly sensible thing to do.
- Someone calls you a "good moron" first thing in the morning and you smile in acknowledgment.
- You think it's more fun to stay home and drink than to go out.
- You get extremely annoyed when the bus is two minutes late.
- Americans start to look entertaining, witty, and fun.
- You think that if you smoke a joint you will wind up (a) in an insane asylum, (b) as a habitual criminal, or (c) all of the above.
- Your wardrobe now consists of 20 different shades of black and gray.
- You think that an unripe tomato wedge on a limp leaf of iceberg lettuce can be called a salad.
- Seeing a young woman with lit candles stuck to her head no longer disturbs you.
- You become extremely skilled at assembling pre-packaged furniture kits.
- You mutter "Oy, oy, oy," to yourself continually even if you are the only one in the room.
- When someone asks you for "sex," you assume they mean a half-dozen.
- You would rather squeeze past someone and bump into them in the process instead of saying "Excuse me."
- You are no longer offended by the fact that you are a Swedish size XL when at home you are a medium.
- You begin to understand Norwegian and Danish.
- Someone cuts you off on the freeway and instead of giving them the finger, you simply mumble "eedeeyout" under your breath.
- You aren't surprised to see children trick-or-treating on Easter, all dressed up as witches.
- You are concerned when the picture on the front page of the paper is not of some random person watering their garden or of a child holding an animal.
- Anything really good is "giant good."
- You eat pizza with a knife and fork.
- You accept that you pay bills at the post office, pick up packages from the grocery store, and you have to drive 5 miles to find a mailbox to put your outgoing mail in.
- You know that "religious holiday" means "let's get hammered."
- Paying $6 for a cup of coffee seems reasonable.
- "Candles" are a permanent feature on your weekly shopping list.
- It's your birthday and YOU have to make the cake.
No comments:
Post a Comment