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Thursday, September 2, 2010

You Know You've Been In Sweden Too Long When....

I compiled this list of my favorites from a longer list on an expat website...


You know you've been in Sweden too long when:
  1. A stranger on the street smiles at you, and you assume (a) he's drunk, (b) he's insane, (c) he's an American, or (d) all of the above.
  2. You can pick out the real blondes from the fake blondes.
  3. Your coffee consumption exceeds six cups per day and the coffee is too weak if there are less than ten scoops per pot.
  4. The first thing you do when entering a bank, post office, drugstore, etc. is to look for the queue number machine, and you accept you'll have to stand in line in order to take a queue number.
  5. The reason you take a ferry to Finland is (a) duty-free vodka, (b) duty-free beer, or (c) to party hearty; no need to get off the ferry in Helsinki, just turn around and keep partying all the way back to Sweden.
  6. You hear people speaking loudly on the train.  You immediately assume (a) they are drunk, (b) they are Americans, or (c) all of the above.
  7. You know how to fix herring 105 different ways.
  8. Your front step is beginning to resemble a shoe store.
  9. You only have two facial expressions, smiling or blank.
  10. You don't find it strange when a couple has been engaged for six years and have no plans to get married.
  11. You assume that anyone who apologizes after bumping into you is a tourist.
  12. You get into a Mercedes taxi cab and think nothing of it.
  13. You think it's normal that EVERYTHING is regulated and you obey the rules voluntarily.
  14. Pigs say "nerf, nerf," frogs say, "kvack, kvack," and roosters say, "kuckileku."
  15. You can use the words bra, fart, and slut in a sentence without giggling.
  16. You refer to weeks by their number.
  17. You are no longer surprised when you see topless women, full-frontal male nudity, or hear the word "f*ck" on prime-time television.
  18. You think an hour-and-a-half cycle on your machine is a "quick wash."
  19. A sharp intake of breath has become part of your vocabulary, as has the word, "Ja haaaa."
  20. You use "mmmmm" as a conversation filler.
  21. You eat your pancakes and waffles with jam instead of syrup.
  22. Silence is fun.
  23. Your native language has deteriorated to the point where you begin to "eat medicine," "open the television," "close the lights off," "take a beer," "look upon TV" and tell someone to "follow with me." 
  24. You associate pea soup with Thursday.
  25. Your idea of nightlife has been reduced to a few teenagers hanging out in front of the railway station on a Friday night.
  26. The fact that all the V's and W's are together in the phone book seems okay.
  27. You no longer have to search for the flushing mechanism.
  28. When you're hungry you can peel a boiled potato like lightning.
  29. You accept that 80 degrees C in a sauna is chilly, but 20 degrees C outside is freaking hot.
  30. You think that riding a bicycle in the snow is a perfectly sensible thing to do.
  31. Someone calls you a "good moron" first thing in the morning and you smile in acknowledgment.
  32. You think it's more fun to stay home and drink than to go out.
  33. You get extremely annoyed when the bus is two minutes late.
  34. Americans start to look entertaining, witty, and fun.
  35. You think that if you smoke a joint you will wind up (a) in an insane asylum, (b) as a habitual criminal, or (c) all of the above.
  36. Your wardrobe now consists of 20 different shades of black and gray.
  37. You think that an unripe tomato wedge on a limp leaf of iceberg lettuce can be called a salad.
  38. Seeing a young woman with lit candles stuck to her head no longer disturbs you.
  39. You become extremely skilled at assembling pre-packaged furniture kits.
  40. You mutter "Oy, oy, oy," to yourself continually even if you are the only one in the room.
  41. When someone asks you for "sex," you assume they mean a half-dozen.
  42. You would rather squeeze past someone and bump into them in the process instead of saying "Excuse me."
  43. You are no longer offended by the fact that you are a Swedish size XL when at home you are a medium.
  44. You begin to understand Norwegian and Danish.
  45. Someone cuts you off on the freeway and instead of giving them the finger, you simply mumble "eedeeyout" under your breath.
  46. You aren't surprised to see children trick-or-treating on Easter, all dressed up as witches.
  47. You are concerned when the picture on the front page of the paper is not of some random person watering their garden or of a child holding an animal.
  48. Anything really good is "giant good."
  49. You eat pizza with a knife and fork.
  50. You accept that you pay bills at the post office, pick up packages from the grocery store, and you have to drive 5 miles to find a mailbox to put your outgoing mail in.
  51. You know that "religious holiday" means "let's get hammered."
  52. Paying $6 for a cup of coffee seems reasonable.
  53. "Candles" are a permanent feature on your weekly shopping list.
  54. It's your birthday and YOU have to make the cake.

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