Dancing Solo

Confirmed: Hope Solo will be on the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.” Also confirmed: Many, many more lesbians are going to watch the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.”



So the world’s most kick-ass goalie is going to be on the show with the shiny sequins and the crazy choreography. On the one hand, wow, guess this means I’m going to have to start watching “Dancing with the Stars.” On the other hand, dammit, guess this means I’m going to have to start watching “Dancing with the Stars.”



I do not watch, though I have caught a few performances over the years. What I’ve gleaned from those few minutes is that, um, isn’t Hope a little upscale for this show? Let’s be brutally honest, it’s usually people trying to revive their careers or people without real careers in the first place. I mean, Rob Kardashian and George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend are both on the show this season. Don’t get me wrong, I like Chaz Bono and Ricki Lake and Carson Kressley and mean them no disrespect as fellow castmates. But then there’s the little problem of Nancy Grace also being a contestant. I’m not sure I can in good conscience watch any show that features that woman. She makes me want to kill someone and get away with it, just to watch her head explode. (Just kidding, I do not want to kill anyone. But I do want kind of want to watch Nancy’s head explode.)



Then there’s the injury factor. Aren’t contestants getting hurt left and right every season on this show? Hope, girl, the 2012 London Olympics are less than a year away. We do not want to have our star goalie sidelined by a tragic cha-cha accident.



Man, I am being so gay about this news. I’ve processed like 100 emotions in four paragraphs. But in the end, I think I’m mostly happy Hope will get the exposure and hopefully it’ll shine more much-deserved light onto our amazing U.S. Women’s National Team. As Hope herself tweeted, it’s to raise awareness of women’s soccer. And that’s a good thing. Also a good thing, this means I have a perfectly valid excuse to post more pictures of Hope Solo.



My, what big hands you have.

Admittedly, these legs are going to look killer in heels.

Normally I hate midriff-baring dresses. This is not normally.

If I was one of Hope’s DWTS competitors, I would seriously consider forfeiting after seeing this picture.

Arm…

…porn…

…forever.

I take everything I said back. This is the best news ever. Also, DWTS costumers, please note that Hope should only ever appear in sleeveless gowns. That’s an order. It would be a sin to cover even a single centimeter of these guns. A sin against hotness.