Bite Me

I have a thing for vampires, this is no secret. The fangs, the biting, the immortality. That’s one sexy combo. It helps that lady vampires are being portrayed right now on screen – both big and small – by some very attractive actresses. So with Halloween approaching, I thought we’d pay tribute to these toothsome talents. But why mindlessly ogle when you can make it a cutthroat competition? Let’s sink our teeth into the beautiful bloodsuckers from the three biggest vampire series out currently (“True Blood,” “The Vampire Diaries” and the “Twilight” saga) and see which group tastes the best.

TRUE BLOOD

PamHot, blonde and into chicks.

Sophie-AnneHot, ginger and into chicks.

JessicaHot, ginger and not into chicks, but I would happily spend an eternity trying to convert her.

THE VAMPIRE DIARIES

KatherineEvil, but has a good doppelganger so, you know, kind of the best of both worlds.

CarolineI like her so much better as a vampire than a human, is that wrong?

IsobelWe all knew Jenny Schecter was a vampire already, this is just more upfront about it.

TWILIGHT

Esme and Alice CullenDoes the fact that they’re not really mother and daughter makes it any less creepy that I think they make a nice looking couple? OK, still no.

RosalieI’m just going to say it, I don’t like Nikki Reed as a blonde.

JaneDoes the fact that her character is, like, 1,000 years old make it any less creepy that she is actually 16? OK, still no.

So, which lady vamps do it for you? Who sucks the least, figuratively? Or the most, literally? Yes, I know I went there with all the bad puns. Bite me.

Tank Top Tuesday: Premiere Week Edition

Oh, premiere week, how I love you. It’s like Christmas and your birthday all wrapped up in a big bow and placed with love on the couch for you. What is hiding underneath the pretty wrappers? Something you’ll love? Something you’ll return? Something you’ll regift at the office holiday party next year. So far, Monday night belongs to Yvonne Strahovski (with a kick-ass assist from Linda Hamilton). “Chuck was the best thing I saw yesterday. As for the big “Hawaii Five-O” vs. “Chase” showdown, I’m somewhat underwhelmed with both. The big Five-O seems more like a potential gay boy Rizzoli & Isles with Alex O’Laughlin McGarrett and Scott Caan Danno bickering like an old married couple. Just wait until they both show off their abs and start making googley eyes at each other. Grace Park was quite nice, but I’m generally adverse to any show that only has one regular female character amid a sea of male ones. Call it my Bechdel Test for TV. As for “Chase,” it was pretty straight forward: Bad guys run, good guys chase them. Truth in advertising, I guess. I hope Rose Rollins gets to have more than two lines of dialogue per show.

Handicapping of the rest of the week, Tank Top Tuesday style.

TODAY

Lea Michele, Glee I am displeased to report that Rachel is still the same old Rachel in the second season premiere. Her voice sure sounds great, though.

Heather MorrisI am pleased to report that Brittany is the same old Brittany in the second season premiere. With more discussion of boobs.

Naya RiveraSantana’s boobs are also a hot discussion topic, though perhaps not how you’d expect.

Jane LynchThough, if it were up to me, we’d talk about Sue’s boobs. I knew something spectacular lurked beneath that track suit.

Keri Russell, Running Wilde“Running Wilde” is getting shitty reviews, but Felicity looks great.

WEDNESDAY

Sofia Vergara, Modern FamilyLet the ridiculous rolling of Rs commence.

THURSDAY

Amy Poehler, Parks & RecreationI really wish they’d bring this back now instead of midseason. I need my Tina/Amy punch like back in the Weekend Update days.

Alison Brie, CommunityI don’t watch this. This may be an error on my part.

Nina Dobrev, The Vampire DiariesI know, I know, you don’t watch. But, come on, she plays two characters. Double your pleasure, kittens.

Maggie Q, NikitaStill not entirely sure I’m sold yet. But there is running with a gun in a tank top. So it can’t be all bad.

Anna Torv, FringeI don’t know how I’m going to fit this in to my watch/DVR/stream schedule this season. But, dammit, if this doesn’t make me want to try harder.

Remote control

Fire up your DVRs kids, it’s TV watching time. Fall shows start returning tonight and my little TV-loving heart couldn’t be more pleased. Per usual, there will be a major log jam on Thursday nights. When you have to resort to four different recording/viewing methods in a two-hour span, you have to think the TV gods are just fucking with you. There are other nights of the week, people. Spread the love. Speaking of love, the only thing more fun than watching TV is comparing notes with other TV watchers. So, let’s see it. I’ll show you my fall schedule if you show me yours.

Vampire Diaries, tonight, CWI might be the only person here who let out a little squeal when Nina Dobrev jumped out like a cat to join the big Emmy opening number. She is lovely as nice human girl Elena, but bring on the year of the Kat. I’m a sucker for badass vampire chicks. Sucker, see what I did there?

Nikita, tonight, CWMy, Maggie Q, what stretchy stretchy pants you have. Suddenly, Q is my favorite letter in the alphabet.

House, Sept. 20, FoxI stopped watching last season. And Olivia Wilde isn’t even going to be around for much of the beginning of this year. But I still included it because it totally looks like Thirteen is copping a feel of Cuddy’s ass.

Chuck, Sept. 20, NBCHow come I never get seated next to someone who looks like Yvonne StraHOTski?

Glee, Sept. 21, FoxJane Freaking Lynch. Enough said. OK, fine, also Brittana.
Now, really, enough said.

Criminal Minds, Sept. 22, CBSI can’t believe they’re getting rid of A.J. Cook. But her love of Paget Brewster will live on forever in femslash.

Modern Family, Sept. 22, ABCI don’t know if Sofia Vergara and Julie Bowen ever got over their feud, but I also don’t care as long as they keep bringing the LOLs. And the Hot.

30 Rock, Sept. 23, NBCOh, Tina. Hold me.

CSI, Sept. 23, CBSThat little lesbian Justin Bieber is in the season premiere. But Starbuck is joining the team starting in November sweeps. Katee Sackhoff and Jorja Fox fan fiction, please. And if you’re feeling really naughty, Marg Helgenberger can come and play, too.

Bones, Sept. 23, FoxI hate Emily Deschanel’s new bangs. There, I said it.

Fringe, Sept 23, FoxLike House, I stopped watching Fringe last season. But Alternate Universe Olivia Dunham is pinging the hell out of my gaydar.
I mean, that belt.

Body of Proof, Sept. 24, ABCMy hopes aren’t super high for this show, but Dana Delany and Jeri Ryan are at least worth a look. Or two.

Yes, I realize Grey’s Anatomy is missing from this list. (*whispers*) I don’t watch. But I am happy to YouTube the Calzona bits later. And yes, Parks & Recreation is missing, too. But that’s because it doesn’t premiere until midseason. (*single tear*) OK, so, let’s see it. How will you be abusing your DVR – or VCR, if you like to kick it old school – this fall season?

Tank Top Tuesday

Finally, the first Tank Top Tuesday of the year. Bet you thought I was holding out on you. But, like with every first of a new year – let alone decade – I wanted to make sure I made it count. So today features only T3 first-timers. No repeat performers, just newbies in all their clingy, sleevless goodness. How I’ve managed to not post pictures of these beautiful women in tank tops for this long is quite possibly a crime. But, regardless, they’re in now. And as the lovely, not at all reptilian, completely take me to your leader worthy Morena Baccarin will attest, they’re all well worth the wait.

Alyssa MilanoLast week Alyssa challenged corporations to match her $50,000 donation to Haitian earthquake relief efforts. Who’s the boss now?

Kerry WashingtonKerry and Kristin Chenoweth might make out soon for the biopic of Dusty Springfield. Sons of a preacher man have got nothing on her.

Patricia ClarksonI love her. I hate myself for not posting her sooner.

Christina CoxNow we know why astronauts get all the girls: tank tops. And you thought it was the Tang.

Nina DobrevI swear to Buffy, “The Vampire Diaries” is good. Not Buffy good, of course, but good.

Lea MicheleThat’s an awfully silly thing to do to a tank top. Not that I’m necessarily complaining.

Ruby RoseGod bless Twitpics.

Elizabeth Banks

I’m sorry, were we talking about something? I seem to have lost my train of thoug…