How to get Bitch Slapped

Expectations are a hell of a thing. Set them too high, and you will almost always be disappointed. Set them too low, and you’ll end up owning three copies of “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” So when it comes to “Bitch Slap,” I would like to help shape your expectations to facilitate maximum enjoyment during your viewing experience.

[For maximum enjoyment of this post, click images to embiggen.]

1. Expect to see a lot of cleavage.

2. Expect the plot to be convoluted.

3. Expect there to be an extended slo-mo water fight for no apparent reason.

4. Expect to learn more euphemisms for female genitalia than you ever knew existed.

5. Expect your enjoyment to increase with the number of drinks and/or lesbians and/or drinks with lesbians that accompany your viewing.

“Bitch Slap” is not a great film, but it is 100 minutes with three smokin’ hot ladies in really tight clothing doing sexy, ridiculous or violent things to each other – often all at once. So, you know, better than “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” Considerably. I actually found I enjoyed it more the second time I watched it. And I really, really enjoyed some scenes more the second (and third, perhaps even fourth) time I watched them.

Check AfterEllen.com for my comprehensive, though no less cleavagey, review in the coming days. Until then, did I mention there was a lot of cleavage? This is a point I feel cannot be understated.